Shadow of the Valley

There was a point while in “reception,” at Fort Sill, where we were brought over to a supply building, turned over to the staff there, and were fitted for and received our first uniforms. We finished and waited outside where we were told to wait, sitting in the oven bake August sun, when we realized that we had been forgotten. Nobody dared move from the spot or go find a D.S. So we waited like fools for two hours. Thoughts caught up to me: no caffeine, no phone, no internet, no beer, no pizza, no music, no sex, no ocean, no walk alone, anywhere, no naps… The belt fed litany continued rattling off in my head till I imagined absurd options, like the pros and cons of just running, with nothing but my brand new PTs on, over the hill and out of the swallowing valley that obscured all reasonable horizons of decent humanity and see where it might lead to…more of the unknown, no direction home, like a rolling stone.

In all directions, the unknown. The one thing that convinced me that I would have to stick it out, no matter what, would be the disappointment of my family if I failed. I even imagined the faces of my ex- and friends back at the beach who I told about my becoming a combat medic and the trouble I went to trying to convince them that it was a good idea to join even though deep down I knew I hadn’t convinced even myself, and in fact, wouldn’t for quite some time to come.